TTC: Blame is such a corrosive emotion. We all feel it yet we rarely talk about it. As a result it sits within us, heavy, tight and hot – and often we find it hard to shift. For many of us it is part and parcel of a ttc journey.

If you blame yourself for your fertility issues, how do you start the process of healing?

A story: from blame to kindness

I watched a Netflix special this week about the twelve boys and their coach who got stuck in the cave in Thailand last year. It really moved me:

The parents shared how distraught and worried they had been after hearing nothing about their sons for 9 days. Then they got the wonderful news that their children were alive and well. They were told that each family could a write a small message to their sons, which would be delivered by a diver. As a collective, the parents decided not to write to their sons, but write to the coach instead. They knew that he would be blaming himself for taking the boys into the cave and they wanted to tell him that they didn’t blame him. Instead they told him how loved he was – and how grateful they were that he was with them, keeping them safe.

Can you imagine this happening here?

If this situation had happened in the West, how would we have reacted? I know this is a generalisation, but in contrast, it would have most probably been with more blame, anger, frustration (and that would be the least of it).

Instead, those boys parents taught us such an important lesson about how to heal blame – which we can relate to our fertility journeys. No amount of shouting, anger, bitterness or frustration would have changed the situation. Above all, they chose to focus on the one person who would be feeling terrible and blaming himself, and instead of anger they sent him compassion, love and kindness.

How to begin to release blame

You can do this too. Start small. Sit down on a chair with a desk or table in front on you. Place one hand on top of the other on the desk, and place your head on your hands. Close your eyes and start to breathe slowly. Breathe in for 2 counts through your nose, and out for 4 counts through your mouth ‘haaaa’.

Now think about what you’re blaming yourself for – or something that has been done to you which you blame someone for. As you breathe out through your mouth, visualise feelings of blame leaving your body. Take your time with this, not need to rush.

Now soften your breath, take the effort out of it. Count down from 10-1 slowly, breathing out feelings of blame as you exhale. Each time you feel your body tightening, consciously soften your shoulders – relax your jaw.

The better you are at identifying how you feel, the easier it will be to release these emotions from your body. This is how you heal. You are capable of doing this. This is who you are. If this resonates, start today.

*TTC Trying to Conceive