TTC: If you are feeling frustrated with your partner as you ttc, how do you get your relationship back on track? Let’s talk a little about our love relationships with partners or husbands. Our fertility issues are not only consuming but also test the strongest of relationships. Sometimes, if we’re lucky, we find that adversity brings us closer together, but not always. If you are struggling, know you are not alone. It’s common to feel consumed by fear and frustration with the love of your life as you travel this path together. It can also be hard to shift out of this negative headspace and back to kindness and love.
Common fears and frustrations
For many of us there can be crossed wires, misunderstandings and lots of relationship stress. Here’s a list of common negative feelings around partners, that often come up as we ttc:
- Your partner doesn’t seem to be as invested as you are in trying to have a baby
- You feel frustrated and annoyed with them all the time
- You snap over little things and find it hard to be kind
- You feel guilty that you didn’t look after yourself in the past (you partied too hard, you drank too much) and you blame yourself for your fertility issues
- You feel ashamed that he’s having to go through fertility treatments too, when it’s all ‘your fault’
- You feel annoyed with him because he has the fertility issues, but it’s you that is having to go through treatments
- You worry all the time, “Will my relationship survive this?”
So how do you move forward if you feel this way? The first step is to give yourself a break and be kind. Know what you’re going through now is deeply stressful, and learning how to navigate this with your partner takes patience and commitment. If you can, remember that everyone is doing the best they can with the situation that they’re in. When I think this way it keeps me out of judgement and allows me to focus what actually going on rather than what I think is happening.
From frustration to kindness
To start the process of reframing negative thinking around your love relationships take some time to think about the following questions. If you’re open to it, journaling or writing down how you feel can help make this a powerful reflection.
- Get clear about what it is that frustrates you about them
- Ask yourself, “Is this true”? This may sound odd, but sometimes on reflection we realise we have created our frustration. Go gently here as you enquire.
- What 3 things, even if they are really small, do they do that makes you appreciate them?
- What have they done for you in the past that was loving and kind? How did this make you feel?
- How would it feel to soften towards this person and be kind to them? What could you do?
We know from research that one way to have more loving and connected relationships is to regularly do something thoughtful or kind for someone else. So often when we start being more open and loving, our relationship shifts. Our partners notice these small, kind changes and begin to do them back. What could you do today for your partner that would make them feel more appreciated and loved? Start to make these changes today.